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| Acting funny |
| Monday, October 31, 2005 |
Today i am feeling really cranky, ( read my blog previous blogs of the day for more infor on that).
anyways i wonder why sometimes people began to act "funny".
You know what i mean, they start out talking to you almost everyday, and you seem to have a few things in common and relate, then one day you might reveil something about yourself that they dont like.
Or You might say you don't condone something that they may feel differently about, then all of a sudden they start acting funny. avoiding you and not talking to you like they use to. You know they are still online yet they dont talk to you anymore. To me thats acting funny.
I havent encounter many people like that but a few. And its always the people who use to talk to me a lot, then all of a sudden poof as if they disappear, from talking to me.
Why do people do that.
It really does annoy me.
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posted by sharonb @ 10:17 AM   |
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| no more negativity |
| Thursday, October 13, 2005 |
ok, I got my negative feelings off my chest where my sibs and my mother situation is concerned, now I thought i had already let all that stuff go, but funny have a special event in life can trigger a memory and the hurt comes back and you find that the wound you thought was closed seems to still be open.
So today i am putting a new bandaid on that wound and allowing it to heal again. I hate negative emotions and i refuse to let them rule or control my life in anyway, so today I start fresh with this sibs and mother thing again, and I let go of all the hurt, i forgive them for what i feel they didnt do, or can't do and i thank God i am able to do what needs to be done.
I release all the emotions that flooded me with pain, and i resolve to do the best that i can to make my mother as comfortable as i can for the rest of her days. I realize that my sibs may never understand or help out and they have their reasons and I respect those reasons whatever they may be, and i still love them and i will still welcome them with open arms and do my best to put all this pain behind me.
Today I renounce my negative emotions and my hurt feelings, i forgive them, I release them and let them go to their highest good so that i too can get to my own. I renounce my negative thinking and my selfishness and blame. I refuse to be a prisoner to anger anymore. I will make the best of this situation and live my life to the fullest as best that I can.
I will take my lemons and make lemonade. STARTING,. TODAY.
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| posted by sharonb @ 9:33 AM |
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| back on the mother soap box again |
| Wednesday, October 12, 2005 |
as mothers 75th birthday comes to an end last night, I was still in my rude awakening zone, yet now i was in a sad state. I realize I loved this woman all my life and all i ever wanted was for her to be proud of me, and i never felt she was. However i loved her even the more. She didnt know me, i left home at 16 and we never clicked, we never grew any mother daughter bond. She was always doing and seeing for the other sibs, i was just the child in the middle or atleast in my eyes. I now realize who really cares.
My baby sister stopped by and sat with mother for about an hour. no other sister or brother even bothered to call and wish her a happy day or nothing. I guess they may feel this is hurting me, but its not, just making me a bvit anger with them for being so selfish and not realizing that our mother is slowly slipping away from this world.
As i got her ready for bed tonight, I just sat there on the end of the bed and looked at my frail little shell of a mother, who use to weight about 200lbs when she was in good health and mind, has now dwindled down to a mear 140lbs. She talks in a sweet voice and is as polite as every. She says thank you and please even with an insane mind. she never raises her voice. strange how alzehimers has made her a nicer person really. yet still derranged.
As she sat there in her easy chair and talked in unknown riddles, i began to cry and feel a complete sadness come over me, i realize i really care about her so much, In fact i always have. I feel that we are almost at the end of this long journey through time. and I feel that she will be leaving me some day in the near future. And I sudden realize that its all so unfair. I guess God gave me the assignment of taking care of mother because She never knew me when she was in her right mind, and yet even now she still doesnt know me because of her gone mind.
I simply feel sad.. I missed my mother... I always have.
.Happy 75th birthday mother, I love you so much. sweet dreams.
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| posted by sharonb @ 10:34 AM |
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| A rude awakening |
| Monday, October 10, 2005 |
warning this post is explicit read with that in mind.
Over the past 5 yrs I have taken care of my mother who is slowly progressing with alzehimers. This is a woman who use to be a social butterfly and everyone came to her for advice, now she can not even tell you who she is.
Its sad and painful and my rude awakening happened on sunday morning when we had an appointment to take some pictures for her 75th birthday. When i went in her room to get her ready, she had speared feces on the wall and a hugh hunk was sitting on the night side talbe. She had done this before but it had been a while and besides that she had never done it on a day when we were going out. Now mind you I was already dressed and had my good clothes on and such, now i have to put on gloves and clean up the feces before i can even get her ready. It was a total mess and i was so angry. I try not to get angry with her because i know she doesnt know what she is doing, but I was angry at my sisters and brothers, at that moment it hit me. They had not as much as taken her home for a sunday dinner with them over the course of the 5 yrs that her alzehimers had been progressing, then i began to think back in time, how i had to leave home when i was 16 and do everything on my own. I had to buy myself an old peice of car to ride around in, while my sister and brother who lived at home had cars(nice new cars) bought for them by my mother. They always got the good part of her.
She simply doted on them all, and they all had everything almost given to them from her. She gave them money to start businesses and all that, while I had to struggle alone and everything i got i had to work hard for myself, she never gave me anything!. I was always last on her list of things to do.
Now here i was at age 48 standing in my kitchen crying because even now my brothers and sisters were still getting the good part of her. They hardly ever come to see her and tehy only come around when she is clean and pretty sitting in a chair and they can sit there and hold her hand and laugh and such like. Then they go home to their nice smelling clean homes and relaz in their beds at night. While i have to get up in the middle of the night and stop her from tearing up the room and stuff.
I have to clean up the feces and urine she plays in. i have to own a supply of disinfect and pinesole and such like to try and keep down the odor in my home that never quite goes away. I never get to go out with my husband or plan a vacation unless i can pay for a baby sitter for mother. They never offer to fix her a meal or take her for the night or any of that. And I was having a rude awakening.
That even now, I get the dirty end of the stick. All my life i had to fight and struggle to make it, and even now I still do, while they get the good times. some how it just doesnt seem fair. But i know I have a job to do so i will take care of her as long as I can and the best that i can. And they wonder why i dont want them telling me how to do things in MY own House. duh.
I just wish once they would come when the feces is on the table and she has it under her nails playing with it, and then they can see the real truth and not the little fairy tale land of mother they now live in, but the reality of my daily life is consumed with caring for her, having boxes and boxes of rubber gloves, disinfect and all that. all the time. And they have the nerve to tell me i need more patience,?? i think i am about as patient as i am gonna get.!! now I've finally said it!
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| posted by sharonb @ 12:17 PM |
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| something I find strange and hypicritical |
| Thursday, October 06, 2005 |
I dont usually speak on such things, but this is my blog so I can if i want to, anyways most who read it wont know what i am talking about anyways unless you are a member of this online community, however, I pondered this thought this morning.
Over the course of time, I have seen some wonderful artist being accused of frankin dolling, AND THEY WERE NOT..
To think that there are people who actually write nasty tag board notes and harrass people on the web as they accused them,.. most times falsely of taking an eye, ear, arm or a leg that looked like another's, (how assinine that even sounds now as i write it)...
and i have even been accused of taking the style of others,
WHICH I HAVE NOT.I pride myself on being different and using a unique style of my own.
yet and i too have also seen my own style of creating being used and taken and called someone elses own,
I even push the envelope and create new and different styles, purposely now as not to look like anyone elses. which i later see being used on others creations and being called their own, but i say nothing, because no one can take what is within me.
And once i produce it on the web, i realize it is up for grabs, and I am not offended because I am ever learning and ideas are ever flowing through me and for me, so i will continue to create unique and unusual things, so I am not pressed by that. however....
It is strange and hypicritical to me how frankining dolling is condemned even to the point of running people off the web for it, yet during the season of halloween they actually have, encourage and allow challenges and contest where you can make a "frankin Doll".
How strange and hypicritical that seems to me. to say on one hand that you don't allow this kind of action, to the point of abuse and hatred towards people whom they never the less suspect without even having evidence. Lives have been abused and mistreated on this note and subject as such. yet for the sake of challenges and contest during halloween you say its ok??
very strange and hypicritical.
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| posted by sharonb @ 10:23 AM |
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| Got my work done |
| Wednesday, October 05, 2005 |
Today I was in the office at 7am, got all my monthly paper work done and filed by 8:30am and had recorded all my meetings and answered all staff messages by 10am. now I am off to play the rest of the day. no meetings, no places to go or people to see today yay, i am free to play! That is one of the perks of owning your own business, you get to play sometimes all day! yippee!!!!
on line...
modblog is down again, its been over 2 days now, they must be having some serious server problems. I wish i could figure out how to put my blog on my main website and host it there myself, but I cant seem to figure that out right now so Until i do.... anyhoo. thank goodnes for blog spot, caus eyou know i gotta blog!:))
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| posted by sharonb @ 10:58 AM |
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| Up early |
| Tuesday, October 04, 2005 |
I am up early today, pondering my future and my life in general. I feel something going on and i know I am destined to something wonderful. I also know there are some things I have to take care of in my life. I know this makes no sense to no one but me. hee hee:)) hugs and smooches!
Modblog is down again this morning. hummmm.. interesting.
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| posted by sharonb @ 6:35 AM |
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| Sign....Rich as hell and Free |
| Sunday, October 02, 2005 |
Sign...rich as hell and free
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done,
cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
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Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week; the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you
wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
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| posted by sharonb @ 1:32 PM |
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