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| back on the mother soap box again |
| Wednesday, October 12, 2005 |
as mothers 75th birthday comes to an end last night, I was still in my rude awakening zone, yet now i was in a sad state. I realize I loved this woman all my life and all i ever wanted was for her to be proud of me, and i never felt she was. However i loved her even the more. She didnt know me, i left home at 16 and we never clicked, we never grew any mother daughter bond. She was always doing and seeing for the other sibs, i was just the child in the middle or atleast in my eyes. I now realize who really cares.
My baby sister stopped by and sat with mother for about an hour. no other sister or brother even bothered to call and wish her a happy day or nothing. I guess they may feel this is hurting me, but its not, just making me a bvit anger with them for being so selfish and not realizing that our mother is slowly slipping away from this world.
As i got her ready for bed tonight, I just sat there on the end of the bed and looked at my frail little shell of a mother, who use to weight about 200lbs when she was in good health and mind, has now dwindled down to a mear 140lbs. She talks in a sweet voice and is as polite as every. She says thank you and please even with an insane mind. she never raises her voice. strange how alzehimers has made her a nicer person really. yet still derranged.
As she sat there in her easy chair and talked in unknown riddles, i began to cry and feel a complete sadness come over me, i realize i really care about her so much, In fact i always have. I feel that we are almost at the end of this long journey through time. and I feel that she will be leaving me some day in the near future. And I sudden realize that its all so unfair. I guess God gave me the assignment of taking care of mother because She never knew me when she was in her right mind, and yet even now she still doesnt know me because of her gone mind.
I simply feel sad.. I missed my mother... I always have.
.Happy 75th birthday mother, I love you so much. sweet dreams.
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posted by sharonb @ 10:34 AM   |
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and the beat goes on